Life, love, and loss. My journey to become a mother...

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all" - Emily Dickenson

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Goodbye 2011

First and foremost, I am a terrible blogger. I suck at updating.  I rarely tell anyone about my blog anyway, so I don't think anyone is missing anything. Still, I'd like to be better at this. So, during this time of year when people resolve to be better in one way or another, I vow to update this blog more often...and maybe even let people know about it's existence too.  

I finally saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist about a month ago.  I really like her. She ran some tests and I met with her this past Wednesday to go over everything. This appointment did not go at all like I was expecting. During this appointment, I learned that I have an eroded cervix which will require cryotherapy before we can proceed with trying to conceive.  Hopefully, this will lessen or completely stop a lot of my unnecessary bleeding. I will have to allow my cervix to heal for two months before we can start trying again. That works out okay anyway because I have another hemorrhagic cyst on my ovary (which explains the awful pain I'd been in for the past week) and the RE wouldn't have let us proceed anyway until the cyst has resolved.  

This brings me to the most overwhelming part of my appointment.  Going over my blood work results. Particularly, the results from my repeat loss panel. I honestly thought it would show that everything was normal, so I was caught off guard when I was told that I tested positive for the lupus anticoagulant, beta-2 glycoprotein, and anticardiolipin antibodies. I don't know exactly what all of this means yet, but I know that my doctor says I have Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. This means, among other things, that I have a blood clotting disorder. I've had to start taking a baby aspirin every day, and was told that if I do become pregnant, I will need to give myself injections of Lovenox (a type of heparin) every day. Also, because I tested positive for all of those antibodies and because of how some of my other blood work looks, I am getting referred to a rheumatologist. They will run tests to determine if I have an autoimmune disease such as lupus.  

I am scared. I don't know how all of this will turn out, but every loss, every test, every month seems to take me further and further away from my dream.  I feel kind of like I'm trying to go up an escalator the wrong way. Have you ever tried to do that?  It's like this dream I have is at the top of the escalator and if I could just get there, if I could just reach the top, everything would be okay. The first six or seven steps seem easy enough, and then suddenly it feels like the escalator is going faster and I can't keep up. I'm fighting, harder and harder, only to slip back a few steps. Exhausted, my legs feel heavy and weak. I reach and reach to no avail. Feelings of defeat and desperation wash over me until I'm certain I can't take even one more step. I climb until I'm battered and broken. This is how this fight makes me feel almost every day. The only thing that keeps me going through the pain is faith. There is always a little glimmer of hope that helps me to put one foot in front of the other. And though that tiny glimmer of hope may end up betraying me somewhere down the line, today I will keep climbing. I will climb in spite of the obstacles that are placed before my feet.  

I don't know why this has to be so hard. I wish I knew what life was going to look like at the end of all this. Maybe I will learn some grand lesson or maybe my dream will come true in a way I can't even imagine right now. All I know, is that I won't ever have to look back and wonder if I tried hard enough or if I gave enough of myself to this.     

"Dreams are like may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny."  - unknown
Now, if only metaphorical wrong way escalator climbing actually burned calories...