Life, love, and loss. My journey to become a mother...

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all" - Emily Dickenson

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Taking a Step Forward

This past weekend was equal parts lovely and difficult.  I headed home to throw a baby shower for my sister.  It would be the first time I would see her since she found out she was pregnant and even though I was excited, I also felt a lot of anxiety.  Seeing her adorably round belly was like coming face to face with everything I've lost, and everything I've been wanting and reaching for, but haven't been able to touch.  She found out she was pregnant less than two weeks after my first miscarriage.  So, even though I can look at her and see everything good that is to come from becoming an auntie...I also look at her and see what could have been, and that is hard.  It was an emotional weekend to say the least.  I found the hardest part of the shower was the gift opening and seeing all the adorable baby clothes and gear, but I made it through relatively unscathed.

It really was nice to see and talk to my sister and catch up. We also got to celebrate my husband's birthday with a lot of my family, which was wonderful.

This week, I made an appointment to see my doctor in November. I'm feeling more ready to talk about the next steps and where we go from here.  I am also realizing that, based on abdominal pain I've been having, there's not a lot of time to play with before my endometriosis and adhesions start coming back full force.  I assume it will still be a month or two before we would be able to start trying again.  That should give us enough time to get any necessary testing done and get a plan in place.  Part of me wants to just take a step out in faith and forget all the doctors and medications and try one more time and see what happens.  Does that make me crazy?

I think part of the reason I've not been wanting to go on to this next step is that I don't want to go through all this testing and be told that it's just not going to happen or that IVF is our only option.  IVF costs an average of $10,000 to $15,000 PER treatment and that is just not feasible for us right now.  What good would it do to empty our life savings on one chance to "try" to get pregnant (there is no guarantee after all) when there'd be no money left over for a baby? I really find it irritating that more insurance companies don't cover fertility treatments. Especially in the case of my insurance, which will cover breast enhancement surgery or other cosmetic procedures.  Really.  They will give me bigger boobs but will not help me have a baby.  It kind of makes me want to stab someone.  (I won't though. I promise.) 

So, in two-ish weeks, I should have a better idea of what happens next and we'll see about getting this party started again.  All things considered, I feel pretty good about taking this step forward and am actually looking forward to my appointment.

I'll close with this poem (I'm not sure it's actually a poem, but I can't think of a better word.) that I came across recently.

Nobody knew you
“Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn’t have been very far along.”
Nobody knew you
“It’s not as though you lost an actual person.”
…were real
Nobody knew you
“Well it probably wasn’t a viable fetus.  It’s all for the best.”
…were perfect.
Nobody knew you
“You can always have another!”
…were unique.
Nobody knew you
“You should be thankful for all the other blessings you have.”
…were loved beyond measure.
Nobody knew you
…but us.
And we will always remember

- by Jan Cosby

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